Let's face it, I am a total loser. My middle age life has nothing to do with what I imagined for myself. I am sad beyond the point of no return. I can only see how things can go worse and worse and every day goes by. I blamed everybody so far, family, friends, culture and, especially, my mom. I did blame my mom for everything. I probably still do, though I realize the hard truth: there's noone else to blame but myself. I made wrong decisions, I did stupid things, I am a total loser when it comes to many aspects of my life.
Could my life have been different? Yes, definitely, if only I was born a man. If I were a man, nothing that is killing me now would have mattered. Actually, nothing matters when you are a guy. Yes, you can be bullied, but it is usually less often or harsh than for girls. At least you don't have to wait for an invitation that never comes to dance or... Then, you can have sex with whoever, wherever, whenever... Actually, the more sex you have, the more macho you are. A girl having sex is a tramp. Nobody would bug you that you might be getting old and still be single or without children. You are way less likely to get an anxiety or depressive disorder. You are much more likely to cheat, but that is kind of expected from a guy. You do not regret a single thing you did. I do, and most of them I did because of you, you idiotic society, with your male heroes and the supportive female, with your male chefs and female cooks, with male engineers and female dancers. I hate you and what you made me do. I hate you for what you made me. You ruined my life, every single day I ever lived. You make my days bitter and bitter as years go by. You keep me in a spider web, barely alive, but surely not dead.